How did John Rocker's first episode of 'Survivor' go?

Yes, John Rocker -- cockroach of sports -- is on "Survivor." There were a lot of places this could have conceivably gone. I've never watched a single minute of "Survivor" before, so I'm clearly the person to review his first appearance on the show.

My recap shall be divided into three sections: things John Rocker did or said, me not understanding how "Survivor" works and POTPOURRI. Let's get to this bad, long show.

JOHN ROCKER QUOTABLES AND NOTABLES:

- The show introduces us to a gay couple that "performs on Broadway" and twins from Sri Lanka, which is basically the show winking and nudging you and grinning while pointing at John Rocker, noted intolerance aficionado.

- John and his girlfriend, Julie, are introduced. This is literally John Rocker's opening video-package monologue, verbatim:

"I've spent the last 15 years of my life trying to say I'm not the loud, obnoxious, boisterous kinda guy, but the media has loved, over the years, to label racist, bigot, homophobic, everything else. Call somebody a bigot? Them are fighting words right there."

Yeah, John. You're not a loud, obnoxious guy. I can see you've been working real hard to shed that image.

Oh, you're not a bigot, John? YOUR WEBSITE SELLS WHITE T-SHIRTS THAT SAY "SPEAK ENGLISH."

- Julie thinks the other contestants will say, "Look at the girl with the hair and the boobs and the boyfriend. But I can stand on my own two feet." NOTE: none of the other contestants say any part of that.

- John Rocker rolls his eyes at his girlfriend being grossed out by bugs.

- After the couples/relatives have been split into two teams, the following exchange occurs between host Jeff Probst and Rocker:

PROBST: "John, what's it like for you? For a guy, you want to take care of your woman. That's what you're supposed to do, right?"
ROCKER: "Yeah, technically you're right. This is a civil war, though. Brother versus brother."

"Technically you're right?!" I have no idea if Probst was baiting Rocker, or if this is something that he/CBS actually, genuinely believes, but either way, good lord.

Also, John, pro tip: don't say "civil war" on national television if you're known for being racist.

- Older, Southern country boy Keith: "I watch all types of sports and I'm pretty sure this is John Rocker, relief pitcher for the Atlanta Braves. And he was an ass when he played then. He might still be an ass now." lol I like you, Keith.

- John Rocker used to look like Standard 90s Baseball Meathead. Like one of the jocks inRevenge of the Nerds. Now he looks like a floppy-haired Winklevoss.

- Rocker is the second-oldest person in his "tribe" and belches while making a lean-to.

- Julie, when talking about a person in her tribe who has taken charge: "I'm dating John Rocker, who used to play in the major leagues, and he is Type A with a capital A. So I understand the dude mentality." I prefer The Dude mentality.

- While Rocker wanders around in his underwear, coughing, two of the younger men in his tribe discuss him. One of them says, "I think he's like, famous or something? I think I've seen him play like some type of sport or something."

- Wes, Keith's son: "Man, I know that guy from somewhere. And I realized: he played professional baseball for the Atlanta Braves. That's my favorite team. Everyone was watching Atlanta back then, that's when they were in their prime." This is the first time shade is freely thrown at the present-day Atlanta Braves.

- Now we have our first JOHN ROCKER PLOT POINT: he wants to remain incognito!

Wes asks what John's last name is and he says -- to his immense credit -- "Wetteland." Of course, he then proceeds to misspell "Wetteland," so POINTS REDACTED.

WES: "You sure?"
ROCKER: /raises hand in oath

Rocker explains his desire to remain anonymous:

"I was hoping to skate through this game anonymous. You know, unscathed, stay under the radar. If I'm recognized by some of the other players in this game, I'll lie about it, because I haven't had a whole lot of anonymity for the last 18 years of my life."

Wes won't let up, though. He keeps grilling him.

WES: "[Rocker] was the man." 
ROCKER: "Back when the Braves were good." [shaaaaaaade] "Yeah, you got me. Keep it under your hat, though, please."

- John's team has to go to the "tribal council" or "soundstage" or whatever at the end of the episode, because he helped his team not-win. When asked about how quickly the three days have flown by, Rocker says, "It does seem to go quick. That is the name of the game." It's actually not, John.

- When one of the twins is talking about one of the Broadway performers and sassily saying the word "girlfriend," Rocker is directly behind her, making this face:

- Rocker is not voted off the island or wherever the hell they are.

- Clips of the upcoming season are shown at the end of the episode, as is the custom with television season premieres. There is a clip of Julie saying, "I'm feeling really deceived by John right now."

- The very last clip of the preview reel -- the very last thing shown on this premiere episode of "Survivor" -- is John Rocker looking directly at the camera and yelling, "IF YOU WERE A MAN, I WOULD KNOCK YOUR TEETH OUT." So ... there's that to look forward to.

SURVIVOR DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE:

- This is the 30th season of "Survivor." "Survivor" started in 2000. Okay, guys.

- The opening is just Jeff Probst in a helicopter. Just in helicopter narrating things. And then STANDING ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE HELICOPTER AS IT BANKS VERY HARD OVER THE OCEAN. WHAT IS THIS SHOW.

- There's a thing called EXILE ISLAND. You go there if you lose a "reward challenge." If you're sent there, you'll be back in time for the "immunity challenge." The winner of this "reward challenge" wins FLINT AND BEANS. A lady meets a guy in the woods and says, "If we can be a strong two, hopefully our peers are solid." There's also a "community challenge." This show is in Esperanto.

MISCELLANY:

- Other sports! There is a couple named Jaclyn and Jon. She's a former Miss Michigan. He used to play for Michigan State. He's also incredibly excitable, to the point where he's essentially 100% the Frank Gorshin version of The Riddler. Also, there is a young woman named BAYLOR.

- The Sri Lankan twins have also been on "Amazing Race." So it's somehow just fine to be on as many competition reality shows as you want? "Amazing Race" is the Poochie of this episode. ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT I'M WATCHING ONE OF YOUR DUMB SHOWS, CBS?

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